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Articles in this issue:

Strengthening Motor Skills Having Realistic Expectations

HAVING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
(Are we obsessed with "normal?")

by Sharon Hensley

When I was teaching English one year, I had an encounter with a parent that really made me think about the importance of being realistic in looking at our children. There was a girl in my class who was very popular and out-going. She was on the cheerleading squad and had lots of friends. She was a great kid. In my class, she did her work and turned everything in on time, but English was not her strongest area and she did average work. When grades came out she got a C. I’ll never forget my shock when her mother stormed into my classroom demanding to know why I was out to "ruin" her daughter’s chances of ever attending college by giving her a C in my class. When I tried to explain that her daughter had done average work, and that a C was NOT a failing grade, she screamed at me that anything less than an A was a failing grade as far as she was concerned.

If you think this attitude is rare, it is not. In my years of teaching in private schools, I have seen how our desire for excellence before the Lord has turned into an unrealistic expectation that everyone must be above average. I am concerned that this type of attitude is also one reason people are choosing to home school their children who are experiencing learning difficulties. I so often talk to people as part of my consulting business who want to take their child out of school for a year, home school to "catch them up," and then return them to school. When we stop to think about this, it is very unrealistic for most children. The average child is expected to gain one year’s worth of knowledge in one year. Yet I encounter many people who want to take a child with a learning disability, who is often 2 or more grade levels behind, and "catch them up" in one year!! This is not realistic or fair to either the parent or the child. If anything, I can envision them hating each other by the end of the year and counting the days for school to start again!

Why do we have unrealistic expectations for our children, and why is it often so hard for us to accept the learning difficulties that our children have? I think one big reason is that our society is obsessed with over-achievement. We don’t want even average children, so heaven forbid we should have a child with any disabilities. And when we do find out that our child has a learning problem, we desperately try everything we can get our hands on to "fix" our child so that they can be "normal." One of the most common questions I am asked after testing a child is "What do we do, or what can we use to fix this?" I admit, I did it too. When my daughter was first diagnosed, I went on the search for the "magic cure." I was obsessed with finding the drug, diet, treatment, therapy, you name it , that would make her normal. Nothing was the cure I sought (although some things did help a little), but in my mind, nothing less than "normal" would do. Finally, one day as I sat on the bathroom floor sobbing, I screamed at God, "Why are there all kinds of books and stories of miracles, but you won’t give that to ME? Why don’t I deserve a miracle. YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!" But the Holy Spirit brought to mind Romans 9:20 "... who are you O man who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, ‘Why did you make me like this,’ will it?" I realized that I was thinking of my daughter as LESS because she was (is) different. Accepting the fact that she is autistic and will always be autistic was a big step for me in accepting her as she is - the way God made her. Not a mistake, but Alison. Accepting all of our children as God has made them, whether, high-achievers, average, learning disabled or more severely handicapped will help us to be realistic in our expectations and to set realistic goals for their education.

Another reason I think we want to try and make our kids "normal" is that we tend to take at least part of our own self worth from our children’s achievements. When we have a child that doesn’t "measure up" in the eyes of society, it is easy to feel that that means that WE don’t measure up. This is further compounded when we encounter professionals who view the "norm" as the only desired goal. This only adds to the feelings of worthlessness of the parents who are often already doing the best they can. Because our society is highly literate and knowledge and literacy are highly valued, it is easy to think that those things are the only measure of our children’s (and by extension) our worth. Of course, some weaknesses can be strengthened or even remediated with the proper therapy, and if that is the case, then those goals ARE realistic, but many learning difficulties are not "fixable." That doesn’t mean that we are any less because we can’t do the impossible!

I believe that there are two things we need to do when we start feeling that our child’s difficulties are a reflection on us. First we need to educate ourselves thoroughly about the particular learning problem our child faces. We need to know what are the realistic expectations for this child. What part of their learning problems are possibly open for remediation, and what parts do we need to just accept and work with the best we can to bring our child to his highest potential. Of course, it may be easier to agree with that in our heads than in our hearts. You may have friends or even family members that feel you are just not working hard enough, or that you are too soft on little Johnny, or that you don’t discipline enough or in the right way, or .... I could go on and on. You know the comments or the feelings you get from other people. When I am in a store and my daughter throws one of her screaming tantrums, I get the "bad mother" looks from people too. (In my less charitable moments I have thought of having a T-shirt printed that says, "I’m Autistic, What’s Your Problem?" but I know that wouldn’t be very nice. Still, there are those days...). Whether it is a grandparent who just can’t accept that Susie wouldn’t have a reading problem if she just wasn’t so lazy, or people in the grocery store who get my little "crash course" in autism, the idea is the same - when we stop feeling guilty or responsible for our child’s difficulties, we can deal openly and confidently with other people. And I think our positive, accepting attitudes carry over to other people - and more importantly, to our children.

Secondly, we need to focus on our child’s strengths and abilities. It is so easy to become consumed with our child’s difficulties, that we can forget about the things that they CAN do. Seeing our children as more than just their weaknesses can help us be realistic in a positive way. Again, though, we have to be careful not to take the "norm" as our only measure. Some strengths are relative to the child, but still may not reach "normal." That is OK. If it is a relative strength, we need to recognize it and build on it just the same. And remembering to build on strengths can make our goals and our teaching much more realistic. For example, we hear so much about how phonics is the only "good" way to teach reading. However, if I have a child with a auditory processing difficulty who is not learning to read using phonics but has great visual skills, I would be silly not to use those visual skills to begin teaching reading by sight, while working on phonics as a side issue in an effort to build auditory skills. Yet, so many times we think that our children must learn the way "normal" kids do or we have failed. Looking realistically at our children’s strengths can help us use more appropriate teaching methods for that child, and can keep us reasonably sane in the process!

It is not easy having a child with learning difficulties, no matter how mild or severe. Yet, I believe that if we can let go of our obsession with trying to make our kids "normal" and see them as the unique and special people God created them to be, much of our own stress and anxiety over teaching them could be eliminated. It’s not always easy to think that way, and some days are tougher than others, but, yes, I do think it is realistic!